"Company Policies" joke

To All Employees,
The following company policies are effective immediately:-
HOLIDAYS: Each employee is entitled to 104 holidays. These will be called Saturday and Sunday.
SICK DAYS: A doctor's sick note will no longer be accepted as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY: Operations are banned. As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. Do not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives and friends. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your day's tasks are completed.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as a reasonable excuse for absence. However, we require two weeks notice as you are expected to train your replacement.
TOILET USE: Too much core working time is being spent in the toilets. We will now follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For example: Employees whose names begin with ‘A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names begin with ‘B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. Should you be unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may be able to swap their time with a co-worker. This must be approved in writing by both employees' supervisors.
In addition, there is a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will retract, and the door will open.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people are entitled to one hour for lunch, since they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes to maintain their average figure. Fat people get five minutes, since that's all the time required to drink a Slimfast and take an appetite suppressing pill.
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. Should you wear fancy trainers or designer clothing, we will assume that you do not need a pay rise.
Thank you for your loyalty to the company. Our purpose is to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, complaints, concerns, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a pleasant and productive day.
The Management