Employment Jokes

A man phoned his boss "I need a day off today, something is wrong with my eyes". "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "Don't know, but I can't see myself coming into work today".

1 "Employees are our most valuable asset."
2. "I have an open door policy."
3. "You could earn more money under the new plan."
4. "We're reorganizing to better serve our customers."
5. "The future is bright."
6. "We reward risk takers."
7. "Performance will be rewarded."
8. "We don't shoot the messenger."
9. "Training is a high priority."
10. "I haven't heard any rumours."
11. "We'll review your performance in six months."
12. "Our people are the best."
13. "Your input is important to us."
14 “You will receive two weeks training every year.”

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.
The day came, and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no fore-warning
that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir," he asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clich? more...

A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.
"So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father.
"I am a theology scholar," replies the fiance.
"Do you have any plans of employment?"
"I will study and God will provide."
"What about the children?" asks the man.
"God will provide."
"And your house and car?"
"Again, God will provide," says the fiance.
After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, "So what did you two talk about?"
The man replies, "He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God."

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer orpublisher, just send them the following: Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter], Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After carefulconsideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept yourrefusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish mybook]. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving anunusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied andpromising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept allrefusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstandingqualifications and previous experience in rejecting[applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with myneeds at this time. Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] withyour firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. -- get creativehere]. I look forward to working with you. Best of more...