Employee Jokes / Recent Jokes

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. more...

Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?" "They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing."
"Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?"
"Can you see the c:prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the more...

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance valuations in a large US Corporation: "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.""I would not allow this employee to breed.""Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.""He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.""This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.""Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.""I would like to go hunting with him sometime.""He would argue with a signpost.""He has a knack for making strangers immediately.""He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.""When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.""If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week.""It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm more...

A friend of mine and his boss went boating a few weeks ago, and they
decided to go look at some of the well-known landmarks in the
Chesapeake.
Well, they were getting near one of them and the boat ran aground.
Unable to back it out, they finally had to get out and push. While
they were doing this, an employee at the site came out and watched,
and the hapless boaters explained that they'd been looking at the
landmark when they got stuck. This exchange followed:
Employee: Sir, do you know what this is?
Boater: A lighthouse.
Employee: Why do you think it's here?

Dear Bank Manager,I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in
place for eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2005, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater more...