End Jokes / Recent Jokes

Submitted by Darcy

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.' Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with' Fine'.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD more...

How you can spot a Canadian, eh? -Don McGillivray (Ottawa columnist for Southam Newspapers)

How do you tell a Canadian from an American?

It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian got to the end, he`d say "zed" instead of "zee". But 18 years of Sesame Street have taught a lot of Canadian kids to say "zee," and it`s starting to sound as natural as it does south of the 49th parallel.

Another test used to be the word "lieutenant". Canadians pronounced it in the British was, "leftenant", while Americans say "lootenant". But American cop shows and army shows and movies have eroded that difference, too.

Canadians have been adopting American spelling as well. They used to put a "u" in words like labour. The main organization in the country, the equivalent of the AFL-CIO, is still officially called the Canadian Labour Congress. But news organizations more...

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the more...

One of Microsofts finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "Its leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty the two guys stare at her for awhile debating whether to approach her when all of a sudden she begins to cough, clutching her throat and turning blue. (obviously in serious respiratory distress).

One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!' The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked,"Can you breath?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief.

At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does more...

LEVEL 1: It’s 11: 00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool. ”
LEVEL 2: It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool. ”
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen! ” At level three, you love the more...

A Short list of nevers:

Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck

Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the' Mayflower Madam'

Never say' Oops' in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words' large' or' size' with' rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me on this. -Tim Allen

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous

Never thrust your sickle into another's corn. -Publius Syrus

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a chain gang

Never invoke more...