End Jokes / Recent Jokes

A pro football player goes into a bar and orders a beer. Down at the other end of the bar there is a another person having a drink.
The football player says to the bartender, "Is that who I think it is!?."
The bartender says, "Yes, it's Jesus. He comes in here everyday and has a beer."

In walks a Teamster truck driver who sits next to the football player and orders a drink. He looks down to the end of the bar and turns to the football player and says, "That guy sure looks like Jesus!"
The football player tells the truck driver that it is Jesus. Both the football player and the truck driver decide to go over and say hello.
In their conversation Jesus asks them what they do for a living. The football player tells Jesus he is the quarterback of a professional football team but is not playing due to a rotor cuff injury that might end his career.
Jesus reaches out and puts his hand on the football players shoulder and says, more...

Whenever I get a package of plain M Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.

To this end, I hold M M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its more...

Ever wonder why office staff are dead tired by the end of the day and companies require no further physical fitness programs for their employees???
REASONS BEING...
Everyone gets enough exercise:
* Jumping........... to conclusion
* Beating. .......... around the bush
* Running........... to the boss
* Going. ............ around the circles
* Dragging.......... their feet
* Passing. ......... the buck
* Climbing. ........ the ladder
* Wading. .......... through paperwork
* Pulling. ........... strings
* Throwing. ........ their weight around
* Stretching. ...... the truth
* Bending. ......... the rules, and
* Pushing. ......... their luck too.... far
No wonder they are all tired at the end of a working day!!!

Keywords and their meanings:
FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" more...

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw more...

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries, “Watch out for the wall! ”

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5: 00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1. 37. ”
“And that’s how you built an empire? ” the boy asked.
“Heavens, no! ” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars. ”