England Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: Have you noticed that cars in England have the steering wheels on the wrong side of the car?
A: No. They`re on the right side of the car

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or ou t." The Irishman says, "Fill it up with more...

What famous chiropodist ruled England?
William the Corn-cutter! What English King invented the fireplace?
Alfred the grate! What`s yellow, has wheels and lies on its back?
A dead school bus!

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretchedout to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignifiedhandshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London wherethey boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificentwhite horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side andwaving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, allwas going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry anddignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip themost horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes. Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did theirbest to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that wasa ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassingsituation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, more...

Three sons
Three sons left England and went to live in the USA, where they prospered. One day, they met and discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
David said, "I built a big house for mum."
Henry said, "I sent her a Lexus - with a driver."
Alan said, "You remember how mum enjoys reading the bible. Because she now can`t see very well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse."
Soon afterwards, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
“David, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Henry, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Lexus. And that driver has shpilkas--he`s a pain in the tuchas. But Alan, the chicken was delicious.”

Statement of fact (anti-English)
The alternative encyclopaedia of Scotland
E is for England
A small irrelevant country which, humourously, thinks itself important. The source of much jollity the world over, England is a strong contender for the Country You Most Love To Hate award. From Mandalay to Mauritius via Timbuktu and Tasmania, everyone hates England. Indeed, England has it within its grasp to bring about global unification just by declaring war on the world. Every nation on earth would unite in the fight.
Strange but true; the reason England thinks it is the centre of the universe is because it won the football {soccer in N America} World Cup in 1966. Though irritating, this would not have mattered too much if it had learned to shut up about it for five minutes. England also had an obscenely big empire which, again, was noteworthy only for how much it annoyed everyone else.
A common misconception is that England lost its empire because the uppity natives more...

80
The first Secretary General of the UNO was Trygve Lie
81
The sculptor of the statue of Liberty was Federick Auguste Bartholdi
82
The port of Banku is situated in Azerbaijan
83
John F.Kennedy was assassinated by Lee Harry Oswald
84
The largest river in France is Loire
85
The Queen of England who married her brother-in-law was
Catherine of Aragon
86
The first negro to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize was
Ralph Johnson Bunche
87
The first British University to admit women for degree courses was London University
88
The principal export of Jamaica is sugar
89
New York is popularly known as the City of Skyscrapers
90
Madagascar is popularly known as the Island of Cloves
91
The country known as the Land of White Elephant is Thailand
92
The country known as the Land of Morning Calm is Korea
93
The country known as the Land of Thunderbolts is Bhutan
94
The highest more...