Enjoy Jokes / Recent Jokes
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of' 97: Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas
the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering
experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But
trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in
a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how
fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossedyour
worried mind, the kind that blindside you at more...
1. Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weathers. Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does us good.
2. Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return.
3. When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can understand what is said more distinctly.
4. Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are sure to hit the right way sooner or later.
5. Please dictate a paragraph and change your mind, with the corrected version following, particularly when using dictating equipment. It adds variety to our typing.
6. Should you wish to write out a letter or report, please write with a blunt pencil using the left hand, and more...
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.
"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"
"It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life".
"Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"
"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain -
"And how's your sex life...."
"Infrequently", he more...
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little."Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?""It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life"."Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?""So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life....""Infrequently", he declares.The widow ponders this for a more...
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is the word big so little and the word little so big?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.