Equipment Jokes / Recent Jokes
A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I''ll be home in 1 hour to pick them up."
A week later he returned. "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked.
"Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"No I didn''t," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, more...
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and ''voila'', everything else was automatic! He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. But when the fun was over, he found that he could not
take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.
He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but none would remove it. Panicking, he called the
supplier's Customer Service Hotline. The farmer: ''Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?'' Customer Service: ''Don't worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk.''
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since his wife was out of town when the equipment arrived, he decided to test it out on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.
Before long, he realized that the machine provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over though, he realized that he wasn't able to remove the machine from his penis.
He read the manual from front to back but couldn't find any helpful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still wasn't successful. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
"Hello, I just purchased one of your company's milking machines. It works great, but I can't figure out how to remove it from the cow's udder," he said.
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine is programmed to release automatically once it has collected two gallons."
Today's Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
How to identify a Canadian driver: 1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE9. - Two hands gripping more...
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the more...