Etc Jokes / Recent Jokes
THE FOLLOWING STORY CONTAINS EXPLICIT USAGE OF OBSCENE LANGUAGE IN A SEXUAL
CONTEXT. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE BELOW THE ACCEPTABLE AGE OF 18 YEARS. THE
AUTHOR IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY VIOLATION OR IGNORANCE OF THIS WARNING.
There was once a journalist roaming the streets of Arabia, when he stumbled
upon this authentic Arabian market. Interested, as he were, he went inside,
talking to the natives there, and buying a variety of things, when he
suddenly had this feeling that he was getting late. He looked around, and
saw an arab sitting near a camel, with the camel standing in front of him.
The arab was seated on a mat.
The man, bending down, asked the arab,
"Excuse me sir, but what's the time now?"
The arab looked up at the man, took up his hands and placed them carefully
underneath the camels balls, and started rocking them to and fro. Within
minutes of this exotic pendulum motion of the camel's scrotal more...
(Reproduced without permission from Dave Barry's humor Archive)
Here is a dissertation on physical science for your enlightenment. I don't know where it came
from so it must be true!
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity and where does it go after it
leaves the toaster?
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool dry
day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of
his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?
This teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt
others unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity.
It also illustrates how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up
batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into more...
GARAGE SALE: Place an add in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisons, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6 a. m. Come early!
X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped-inspected by airport security officials. This one will make your sides hurt from laughter, if present during the inspection. Good for both male and female victims.
LOST KEYS: Get a hold of some old useless keys (car, house, etc) Place victim's name, phone number and $50 reward...... if found and returned. Drop the keys in one of the least desirable areas of town.
PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually orientated solicitation message, more...
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, Although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back... " "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer. "
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence,
Because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face? " She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so more...
(100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)
1 Don't call, ever.
2 If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3 Lie.
4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike"
5 If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6 Here's a good pick-up line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?
7 Drink Vernors.
8 Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9 Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10 Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11 Lie
12 Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13 Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14 Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15 Vanity is the most more...
Apparently true...
Why we have AQIS Australian Quarantine Inspection Service - creepy. Apparently its completely true.
This bloke and his family were on holiday in the States and went to Mexico for a week. As he is an avid cactus fan he bought a rare and expensive cactus there, it was about a metre high and cost about $500 Aus. He got it home and the customs people were none too impressed so they said it must stay in quarantine for 3 months, cost $800 or so.
He finally got his cactus home and planted it in his backyard where over time it grew to about 2 metres or so in height.
One evening after a beautiful warm spring day he was out watering his garden and thought he might give the cactus a light spray. This he did and was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another light spray and it shivered and shook again. All its arms moved. He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state gardens.
After a few more...
Once upon a time three people were stranded out at sea - A Japanese, a Malaysian and an Indonesian. The boat started leaking and if they do not act fast they would all die. The Japanese (as usual) was the first to take the initiative. He threw all his Japanese gizmo - CD player, hi-fi, radio etc. off the boat. The Malaysian and the Indonesian looked at him in disbelief.
The Japanese said, "Don't worry.. still got a lot more in my country.. BANZAIIIEE!" But the boat was still sinking. The Indonesian without hesitation started throwing aboard all his baju batik, kain batik, keretek, etc., etc. He comforted the other two, "Don't worry.. still have a lot more in my country, paknya". But still the boat was sinking. The Japanese and the Indonesian looked at the Malaysian. Suddenly, without any hesitation and with stride, the Malaysian threw the Indonesian overboard. The poor guy couldn't swim and drowned. The Japanese was shocked. Said the Malaysian, "Don't more...