Etc Jokes / Recent Jokes

The brand-new pastor and his wife, newly assigned to their first ministry, to reopen a church in suburban Brooklyn, arrived in early October excited about their opportunities. When they saw their church, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Christmas Eve. They worked hard, repairing pews, plastering walls, painting, etc. and on Dec. 18 were ahead of schedule and just about finished. On Dec. 19 a terrible tempest--a driving rainstorm-- hit the area and lasted for two days.

On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high. The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor, and not knowing what else to do but postpone the Christmas Eve service, headed home. On the way he noticed that a local business more...

Two friends met after a long time, and chatted about what´s been going on since they last met. One of them had a new girlfriend and the other one asked about her cooking, her relation to his folks etc. etc. and finally asked "How is she in bed?" First guy replies "She´s fantastic, she sucks like a real man!"

A little girl ran out to the backyard where her father was working,
and asked him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Like a good father, he sat her down and told her all about the
birds and the bees. He told her about conception, sexual intercourse,
sperms and eggs etc. He also told her about puberty, menstruation,
erections and wet dreams.
Then he thought, What the Hell, and decided to tell her the works. He
described masturbation, anal sex, oral sex, group sex, pornography,
bondage and discipline, sadomasochism, rape, pedophilia, homosexuality,
bestiality, sex toys, etc.
His daughter was bloody awestruck with this sudden influx of
bizarre new knowledge. Noticing the puzzled look on her face, he
asked, "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
His little girl replied, "Mummy said lunch would be ready in a
couple of secs..."

Ain’t that the truth! When my grandmother was in her eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc. He responded with, “Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100? ” My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Anyone who’s 99. ”

The Internet Newbie's Song

Sung to the Major General's song from
'The Pirates of Penzance'
by Gilbert& Sullivan

I am the very model of a Usenet individual,
I've information meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I know the basic elements of alien biology,
And all the hidden secrets of the Church of Scientology,

I've seen' The Wrath of Khan' and every Star Trek film that followed it,
I moan about my Servicecard and how the cash till swallowed it,
About the laws on handguns I am sending off a counterblast,
With many cheerful facts about the way you can MAKE MONEY FAST!

ALL: With many cheerful etc.

I'll tell you why the Japanese are taking over Panama,
And why the USA is still a better place than Canada,
In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
He more...

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr. - old to eat strained beets. ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself. APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes. BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42. BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning. BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically. BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves. CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes. CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar. COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name. COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games. DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where more...

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai.
He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the school assembly on Independence Day.
Here's his dynamite speech:
Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon.
Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on stationmaster. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the stationmaster because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leadersz linke Gundhiji who get-outted more...