Everyday Jokes / Recent Jokes

There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this everyday, but he told nobody what was inside the box. Then one day he died, and in his testament he gave the crew permission to open the box. So they opened the black box. And what they found was a piece of paper:
"Starboard is right, port is left."

Why Girls Rule!
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john
Let me tell you men
Listen up boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more than we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't loose my hair
I don't get more...

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Howard aged 92 lives in a seniors home. Everyday he uses to take a walk in the garden and whenever he is tired he used to sit on a bench and think of his past accomplishents. There came Mildred aged 82 who used to do the same thing like Howard and on that day happend to sit beside Howard on the same bench. They started a conversation which lasted for hours and finally Mildred asked Howard what he misses most in his life. Howard replied "SEX"
Mildred: "You old fart even if I a hold a gun at your
head you will never get the standup at this age"
Howard: "But Mildred it will be nice if a
woman can hold my manhood for some pleasure"
Mildred: "Suely I can oblige you" and then she unziped Howard and held his manhood gently for him to get the satisfaction he wanted. This became a habit and they both enjoyed doing it everyday as a routine.
One day to Mildred's surprise Howard was not there and she wandered about in the more...

OFFICE MEMO:
From: Managing Director
To: Vice President
"Tomorrow morning there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o'clock. This is something which we cannot see everyday. So let all employees line up outside, in their best clothes to watch it. To mark the occasion of this rare occurrence, I will personally explain the phenomenon to them. If it is raining we will not be able to see it very well and in that case the employees should assemble in the canteen."
From: Vice President
To: General Manager
"By order of the Managing Director, there will be a total eclipse of the sun at nine o' clock tomorrow morning. If it is raining we will not be able to see it in our best clothes, on the site. In this case the disappearance of the sun will be followed through in the canteen. This is something we cannot see happening everyday."
From: General manager
To: Industry Managers
"By order of the Managing Director, we shall more...