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A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 40th birthday. She spends $15, 000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk,' I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'' About 25,' is the reply.'' Nope! I'm exactly 40,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies,' I'd guess about 26.' The woman replies with a big smile,' Nope, I'm 40.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,' Oh, I'd say 24.' Again she proudly responds,' I'm 40, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,' Lady, I'm 60 and my eyesight is more...

Irv and Sol, are walking down the street when Sol turns to Irv and says, "Irv, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Irv says, "Sol, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Irv turns to Sol and says, "Sol, if you had two of those luxury, playboy- type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"

Sol says, "Irv, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's Bar Mitzvah, we have gone to the same shul together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury more...

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
“Does your wife ever…well, you know…does she…well, let you do it doggie style? ” asked one of the two.
“Well, not exactly, ” his friend replied,
“She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it. ”
“Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh? ”
“Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she’s most likely to roll over and play dead. ”

What Exactly Is Marriage?"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her,' I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years oldHow Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old"My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years oldConcerning the Proper Age to Get Married"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years oldHow Did Your Mom and more...

This call was actually recorded during a session with AOL Tech Support Tech:

Internet Technical Support this is [removed] speaking. May I have your username please?

Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!

Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?

Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser!

Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.

Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at them right now!

(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)

Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located?

Female Customer: In Netscape!

Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?

Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow!

Tech: The one right above the Net Search more...

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his
lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to more...

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
" They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
" This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."
" Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"
" I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
" I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
" I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
" Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
". .. in Jesus' name. Amen."
You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if...
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different more...