Example Jokes / Recent Jokes
When a man returns home after being away on a business trip for a few days, his wife tells him that the dog really missed him.
"She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she says.
"What an example of true love," replies the husband. "I wonder if you would be that concerned about me?"
"Sweetheart," she answers, "if you were gone overnight, and I had no idea where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of lovemaking:
Father: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the sexact, even if you are doing the same thing.
Son: What do you mean, Dad?
Father: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"
Son: What do other women say?
Father: Well, a schoolteacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."
Son: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."
Father: That's a male nurse. But let's move on, a bankteller will say, "Substantial penalty more...
The Non-Stress DietThis diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day.Breakfast1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim MilkLunch4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo CookieMid-Afternoon SnackRest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped CreamDinnerLoaves of Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars Rules For This Diet1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and more...
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult -- for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies.
The program would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using' s' instead of the soft' c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy.
Then the hard' c' more...
Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals,
then it's only a small step to the rest.
For example;
1) As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would
agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.
2) You've relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a
uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or
Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie neighborhoods, have probably less than
the average (and don't forget the DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids,
Single Income No Kids)), while the families with 748 starving children that
they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that
15% of homes down a few percent.
3) You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one
good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend more...
The South Takes a Cue from Oakland Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California andMassachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass. Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba"and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation. Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics: Can I help you? Kin ah hip ewe? Hi, I'm Don Fowler. Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah. The discerning English more...
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using' s' instead of the soft' c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard' c' could be replaced by' k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, more...