Except Jokes / Recent Jokes
When people get behind the wheel of a car, their true personality comes out. In California, the Department of Motor Vehicles knows this. Anyone can get a drivers license in California, I mean ANYONE! But to get a license to drive in Los Angeles, California, one must get a special endorsement on their license. Would you qualify for that special endorsement? Take this test, total your score and see.1: Which part of your car wears out most often?
a: the wiper blades
b: the belts
c: the horn2: Automatic door locks are good for...
a: security
b: convenience
c: messing with the heads of people trying to get in3: I hate the rain because...
a: it lowers visibility and makes for less safe conditions
b: I answered (a) to question #1
c: I just washed my car4: Please select the statement that best describes you.
a: I have never written in the dust on someone's car
b: I have written "wash me" in the dust on someone's car
c: I more...
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.
YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the more...
I failed every subject except for algebra. How did you keep from failing that? I didn't take algebra!
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said' Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna more...
Airplanes running operating systemsHere are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don`t need to know, don`t want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when more...
Real software engineers eat quiche.
Real software engineers don`t read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused.
Real software engineers don`t comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don`t have to.
Real software engineers don`t write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that`s nice. Don`t ask them to write the user interface, though.
If it doesn`t have recursive function calls, real software engineers don`t program in it.
Real software engineers don`t program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought.
Real software engineers don`t debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn`t necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
Real software engineers like C`s more...
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he more...