Except Jokes / Recent Jokes
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said' Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said." Very good! Who said' Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks more...
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blankfaces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said' Government of the people, by the people, for thepeople, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", saidMartinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history thanyou do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! more...
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 PM.Colorado law requires that wine be sold in containers of at least 24 ounces and spirits in containers at least a fifth of a gallon. But, at the same time, it also decrees that no alcohol beverage can be stored in hotel minibars in anything larger than miniature containers. Colorado Springs: It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays. Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building. Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.Denver: It is unlawful to lend your more...
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks "Why the panties?"She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black more...
I can resist everything except temptation. — Oscar Wilde
Marie was widowed five years ago and still hadn't gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were yesterday. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Marie agreed to go out, but said she didn't know anyone.
"That's not a problem, Mom," her daughter said. "I have someone for you to meet."
Her daughter introduced her to Max and they took to one another immediately. After dating for a few weeks, Marie agreed to join Max for a weekend in Cape Cod.
On their first night there, they both undressed. There stood Marie, naked except for a pair of black lace panties, while Max was in his birthday suit. Curious, he asked her, "Why the black panties?"
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning," Marie replied. Max knew right away that he wasn't getting lucky that night.
The following night, it was the same scenario. Marie was more...
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him. It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Home is where the house is. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the more...