Excuse Jokes / Recent Jokes

Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.

All-Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be! Dear:
a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) car
b) house
c) pet
d) espresso maker
e) left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under-appreciated
prank.
How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent-driven sledge
e) zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should nothave pointed it in the direction of your
a) house,
b) wife,
c) Cub Scout troop,
d) 1/16th-sized replica of the more...

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own more...

To All Employees,
The following company policies are effective immediately:-
HOLIDAYS: Each employee is entitled to 104 holidays. These will be called Saturday and Sunday.
SICK DAYS: A doctor's sick note will no longer be accepted as proof of sickness. If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY: Operations are banned. As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. Do not consider having anything removed. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead relatives and friends. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your day's tasks are more...

What was the pirate movie rated?
ARRRRRRR

School collection 31^
Is that school food spicy?
No, smoke always comes out of my ears!

Why did George Washington chop down the cherry tree?
I’m stumped!

“It’s clear” said the teacher, “That you haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse? ” “Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down! ”

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I put it in a safe, but lost the combination!

Why do teachers use a bamboo cane?
Because when the cane goes ‘bam’ the child goes boo!

Interviewer asks in America: "Excuse me, what is your opinion
on the meat shortage?"
And the reply is... " 'Shortage?' What's a 'shortage?'"
Interviewer asks in Poland: "Excuse me, what is your opinion
on the meat shortage?"
And the reply is... " 'Meat?' What's 'meat?'"
Interviewer asks in Russia: "Excuse me, what is your opinion
on the meat shortage?
And the reply is... " 'Opinion?' What's an 'opinion?'"
Interviewer asks in Israel: "Excuse me, what is your opinion
on the meat shortage?"
And the reply is... " 'Excuse me?' What's 'excuse me?'"

A little boy and girl are playing outside in the back yard. The little boy has to go to the bathroom, but his mother taught him to always be polite and never talk about private matters in public.
He tries very hard to hold it in, unsure of what he should say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what he's heard his mother say at restaurants when she's had to excuse herself from the table.
He turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me, please. I must go powder my nose." He then darts into the house.
When he returns, the little girl looks at him and says, "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," the little boy shyly replies.
"Well then," the little girl says, "you'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."