Executive Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Colonel issued the following directive to his executive officers:

“Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley’s Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it. ”

Executive officer to company commander:

“By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley’s Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years. ”

Company commander to lieutenant:

“By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley’s Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the more...

“The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn’t be more excited. … Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It’s a lot better than loser. ” –Jay Leno
“They’re getting ready to unveil President Bush’s presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush’s presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, ‘In other words, we’re just gonna build some stuff and see what happens. ’” –Conan O’Brien
“You remember Dick Cheney, he’s the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn’t tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney’s family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, ‘My God, how do you shoot an old man in the more...

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the more...

Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Executive Producers dont screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

The lonely executive had spent the whole evening at a cocktail party complaining to an attractive guest about his wife's constant visits to her mother. "She's away again tonight," said the man. "What would you do if you were in my place?"
"Well, honey," his companion cooed, "let's go over to your place and I'll show you."

A few samples of bureaucratic wit of the days of British Raj.
The first is an entry made by an executive engineer in the visitors' book of a circuit house.
'The verandah of the Circuit House badly needs railings. During my momentary absence, a cow ate up some estimates which I had left lying on a table in the verandah.' Below this note was the commissioner's observation:' I find it hard to believe that even a cow could swallow PWD estimates.'
In another circuit house book another executive engineer had noted:' The washbasin should be immediately replaced. I could not wash my face properly for want of proper facilities.' Against this entry is a marginal note in the commissioner's beautiful hand:' SDO will replace the washbasin at once. The executive engineer had to wash his face in tears during his last visit to this station.'
The prize remark is against a complaint that the latrine was too far away from the bungalow.' He should have started earlier, 1 wrote the more...

Rich is trying to sell a computerized crystal ball he's recently invented to a marketing executive, but the executive is very skeptical.

Rich says,' Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball.'

The executive types,' Where is my father?'

The crystal ball answers,' Your father is fishing in Michigan.'

The executive says to Rich,' I knew this was bullshit. My father's been dead for twenty years.' The inventor says,' Ask the question in a different way.'

The executive types in,' Where is my mother's husband?'

The computer answers,' Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.'