Executive Jokes / Recent Jokes
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate."That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.""Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.""Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?""Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"
Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring.
The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. "O.K. buy 100 shares," the Canadian tells the other person on the phone. Then he looks at the others and says, "I'm such an important person, that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere."
On the next tee, they hear the sound of another phone. All of a sudden, the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his hear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, "I'm so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don't have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone." The people are very impressed and move on down the fairway.
On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German stands up tall and more...
A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he received at the hands of junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's pate while loudly exclaiming, "Feels just like my wife's ass!"
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec also felt his gleaming pate. "You're right," he said, "so it does, so it does."
The Yuppette had risen to executive level in the company in no time at all. Hearing rumors about her, the husband confronted his wife and accused her of sleeping with all of the top level managers."Now that's entirely false." she cried. "I took the easy route and slept with anyone who mattered at least twice."
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been more...
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks;
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company)
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing 3M Corp.)
My more...