Executive Jokes / Recent Jokes
Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies
REDMOND, Washington - January 4, 1995 - In response to customer inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob(tm), its new software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named "Bob" immediately select new first names.
"I don't know where these rumors come from," commented Steve Balmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support. "It's ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the computer industry to change their names. We won't, and our licensing policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable that the Justice Department could never question them."
Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low more...
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go more...
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied: "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
A highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. She arrived in heaven where she was met by God.
"Welcome to heaven," said God. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. Strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem God, just let me in." said the woman.
God replied, "What we're going to do is let you spend a day in hell and a day in heaven and then you can choose where you want to spend an eternity."
God put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran more...
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in more...
A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.
"It's going fine," the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says,' To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"
"Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.
"Then my body says,' Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"
REDMOND, Wash. - June 1, 2001 - In direct response to the recent decision handed down by the Court of Appeals agreeing with the decision of the lower court on the case presented by the Department of Justice, Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said. "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President George Bush, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft.
An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 2002 at the latest", according to Microsoft President Steve more...