Experience Jokes / Recent Jokes
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Sports Update
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
c) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the more...
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: -Responsibility makes me nervous. -They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB: -Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches. -I was working for my mom until she decided to move. -The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: -While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility. -I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: -Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job. -My goal is to be a more...
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:-Responsibility makes me nervous.-They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.Couldn't work under those conditions.REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:-Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.-I was working for my mom until she decided to move.-The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:-While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.-I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:-Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.-My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have more...
My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:
Feeling the Baby Move
First Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.
Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.
Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby more...
One day I recieved a letter from grandma... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and more...
1. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience!
2. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're
the statue.
3. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
4. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
5. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
6. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.
13. Junk is more...
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid, and you shake your head bravely and mumble no. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and more...