Expert Jokes / Recent Jokes

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. ''You don't want to try these techniques at home.''''Why not?'' asked someone from the back of the audience. ''I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,'' the expert explained. ''She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?''' The voice from the back asked, ''Did it save time?'' The expert replied, ''Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.'''

Weinberg's Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and asked, "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. We had an efficiency expert here that determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. That same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our time washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my tool out of my pants, go, and more...

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home.".
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience..
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her,' Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed.
"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17. 8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, more...

A lady had a height problem - she was TOO tall, being excatly 2 meters tall. She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car... So she visited an expert. The expert said:"Go visit the Dwarven Town. It's full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him if he'll marry you. Every time a dwarf says 'no,' you grow 10 cm shorter!"The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm shorter. She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home. She boldly walked up to a dwarf and asked if he would marry her. The dwarf replied:"No, no, no, no, no...! I don't want to marry a tall person like you! You're too tall! No, no, no, no, no!"

John McCain said that sending less than 40,000 troops to Afghanistan "would be an error of historic proportions." Perhaps we should take heed of McCain, who chose Sarah Palin, making him an expert on " errors of historic proportions."