Explain Jokes / Recent Jokes

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List
Code and Explanation
5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for more...

Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________ Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________ Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both If female, indicate breast implant size: ____ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___ Please list brand of cell phone: __________________ (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead Please indicate activities you perform while driving: Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the back seat [ ] Having sex [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety magazine [ ] Surfing the net via laptop Please indicate how many times a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____ b) How more...

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response. .. click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from more...

Sex in the dark
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp... only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?!"
"Honey, let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "maybe you'd care to explain our 3 kids!!!"

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) lead an army or
____ (c) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish

5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0. 0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far more...

Billy's Letters
The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:
Dear Mr. Dvorak:
Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.
It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire - you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP!
We should have put our foot down right there, more...

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA Grid_____________

INCOME TAX FILE NUMBER _________________ DRIVERS LICENCE ________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ STATE___________ POSTCODE______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than more...