Yourself Jokes

An angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.
God gives every bird it's food, But He does not throw it into it's nest.
He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.
Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. "So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the more...

A young girl is walking up the stairs in a church just as the priest is walking by. He looks up and is shocked to see the girl isn't wearing any panties.
He calls to the girl, gives her $25 and says, "Young lady, it's not proper to walk around without any panties on. Take this money and buy yourself some panties."
The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her to buy some panties for her. The mother asks her daughter where she got the money from and the girl explains what happened.
After learning how her daughter got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, puts on the shortest skirt she has and runs to the church.
As soon as she sees the priest approaching, she starts to walk up the stairs. The priest notices her and calls her down.
Not wanting the priest to think she's expecting anything, she calmly walks back down the stairs to where he is waiting.
The priest hands the woman $1 and says, "Lady, take more...

20 Easy Steps to Cook a Turkey
1. Go and buy a turkey.
2. Take a drink of whisky (scotch or bourbon).
3. Put turkey in the oven.
4. Take another two drinks of whisky.
5. Set the degree at 180 ovens.
6. Take three more whiskies of drink.
7. Turn oven the on.
8. Take four whisks of drinky.
9. Turk the bastey.
10. Whisky another bottle of get.
11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
12. Glass yourself a pour of whisky.
13. Bake the whisky for four hours.
14. Take the oven out of the turkey.
15. Take the oven out of the turkey.
16. Floor the turkey up off the pick.
17. Turk the carvey.
18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

100 Ways to annoy the pizza guy
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of more...