Expression Jokes / Recent Jokes

Winners of a New York Magazine contest who were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter and provide a definition for the new expression
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID:
Honk if you're Scottish
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?:
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
VENI, VIPI, VICI:
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
COGITO EGGO SUM:
I think; therefore I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS:
The cat is dead.
QUE SERA SERF:
Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI:
The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM:
Death styles of the rich and famous.
PRO BOZO PUBLICO:
Support your local clown.
MONAGE A TROIS:
I am three years old.
HASTE CUISINE:
Fast French food.
QUIP PRO QUO:
A fast retort.
ALOHA OY:
Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.
MAZEL TON:
Tons of luck.
VISA LA FRANCE:
Don't leave your chateau without more...

Ever hear the expression "hard drinker"? Never made much senseto me, drinkings one of the easiest things in the world to do.

Father, "When you go back to your Mom tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."
Daughter, "OK"
Later that night
Daughter, "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."
Mother, "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."

For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites. Harlez-vous fran硩 s? CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE? Cogito Eggo Sum. I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE. Rigor morris. THE CAT IS DEAD. Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid. HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH. Que sera serf. LIFE IS FEUDAL. Posh mortem. DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS. Pro Bozo publicoSUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN. Ap賠 Moe le deluge. LARRY AND MOE GOT WET. Haste cuisine. FAST FRENCH FOOD. Veni, vidi, vice. I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED. Mazel ton. TONS OF LUCK. Aloha oy. LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW. Visa la France. DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT. L'鴡 t, c'est moo. I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE. Cogito, ergo spud. I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.(OK, more than 1 letter.) Veni, vidi, velcroI CAME, I SAW, I STUCK more...

A friend was in Japan on business. On one day, the company he was visiting took him out for a round of golf. Although he was not a good golfer, he loved to play. Everytime he hit a bad shot, his caddy would bow and say "Osheetabazhow".
He was really impressed with their politeness and especially that of the caddy despite his poor play. On the back nine, after a poor shot and the caddy again bowed and said "osheetabazhow", his curiosity got the better of him and he asked his host about the caddy's expression.
The host replied that he was saying, in poor English, "Oh shit! Too bad, Joe.".

A Japanese expression meaning cooperation - "Yotamashu, atayushu" (translation "You tie my shoe, I tie your shoe")

For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites. Harlez-vous fran硩s? CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE? Cogito Eggo Sum. I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE. Rigor morris. THE CAT IS DEAD. Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid. HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH. Que sera serf. LIFE IS FEUDAL. Posh mortem. DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS. Pro Bozo publicoSUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN. Ap賠Moe le deluge. LARRY AND MOE GOT WET. Haste cuisine. FAST FRENCH FOOD. Veni, vidi, vice. I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED. Mazel ton. TONS OF LUCK. Aloha oy. LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW. Visa la France. DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT. L'鴡t, c'est moo. I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE. Cogito, ergo spud. I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.(OK, more than 1 letter.) Veni, vidi, velcroI CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.(OK, another more...

Civil War Era Humor The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil War. BIGGEST MAN... The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was captured in 1862 and was sent to a Richmond Prison where a Confederate entrepreneur put him on exhibit. Even Confederate President Jeff Davis came to see him and was astounded when the impish Van Buskirk claimed that back home in Bloomington Indiana, "when I was at the train station with my company, my six sisters came to say goodbye. As I was standing there, with my company, they all came up to me, leaned down and kissed me on top of the head." LETTER HOME... A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she more...