Eye Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man and his three friends are driving around one day when they happen to crash into the side of a bridge and completely wreck their car. While his three friends remained intact, the man had lost an eye and had to be rushed to the hospital. Once he arrived there, he discovered to his horror that they were out of glass replacement eyes, so they would have to give him a wooden eye.

Because he was so ashamed of becoming a freak with a wooden eye, the man refused to leave the hospital until they discharged him a week later, and then for several weeks after he stayed in his house with no contact to the outside world. His friends, feeling incredibly guilty for their lack of injury, decided to take him out to a club to try and cheer him up.

Though he was reluctant, he accepted. Once they were at the club, his three friends began dancing with girls, while he felt too shy about his eye to ask anyone. As the night wore on, he became more self-assured, and started asking more...

A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him! "You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. NowI want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?". .. The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did.". .. The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?". .. Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she more...

Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood.... good thing he didn't say two!

Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.

For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.

New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!

They are making a new boxing term for Tyson.... instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"

Can't beat um... Eat um!!!!

If Tyson fights Golatta, is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?

In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!

Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.

Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
" Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, " I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, " I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, " Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
" No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and more...

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well... uh... that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up more...