Eye Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sitsdown in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours? Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one. First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: "Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties." But I accidentally said: "You ruined my life you fucking bitch!"

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible! ” “What do you mean? I’m fine. ” “What about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before. ” “Well, ” said the pirate, “We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I’m fine, really. ” “Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands. ” “We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really. ” “Oh, ” said the bartender, “what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes. ” “One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye. ” “You’re kidding, ” said the bartender, “you couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird crap! ” “Well, I more...

A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldnt. Then he spotted a hole in the wood. He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife,' 'Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?''

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed.' 'Yes. Yes he did.'' The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks' 'Who? Who was he? Who was the father?''

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says,' more...

A burglar breaks into an isolated country house after watching the whole family depart for a night out on the town. As he creeps across the darkened living room he hears a voice saying: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar shines his penlight torch around the room, but sees nothing. He takes another step, and he hears it again: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". This time he realizes the voice comes from above, and when he shines his torch around he sees a parrot sitting on top of a cupboard. It looks him in the eye and says: "I can see you..... and Jesus can see you". The burglar laughs and says "You're just a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye and says "I'm a parrot and my name is Ebenezer". The burglar laughs again, and says "Ebenezer is a pretty silly name for a parrot". The parrot looks him in the eye, waits until he has stopped laughing, and says: "I agree completely....... ... and more...

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.
Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of more...

What Did One Eye Say To The Other Eye?
There Is Something Between Us That Smells.