Eye Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!!! Everything had been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you more...
A man who lived in a block of flats thought it was raining and put his hand out of the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a woman looking down, screaming.
'Is this yours?' he shouted up.
She said,' Yes, that's my eye! I'm so sorry! Could you please bring it up?' The man agreed and went up.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said,' I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?'
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the girl said,' I have had a marvelous evening, would you like to stay the night?'
The man hesitated then said,' Do you act like this with every man you meet?'
'No,' she replied,' Only those who catch my eye!'
A few weeks before Christmas,
One Nine Ninety-Four,
The whole world was stirring with outrage galore.
The shockings related to gross lack of care
Whether all had the margin of error to spare.
Small companies nestled all snug in their pride
That their vision of equal respect had applied.
And papa with the trackball (I, saving my wrist)
Had just settled our brains for a game-maybe Myst.
When out on the net, in the press, such a clatter
And chatter arose! Here is what was the matter:
Away to the window I flew to find out
What Tom Nicely's discovery was all about.
Those ads on the TV and ads in the mags
Gave the luster of payday to all of their brags
When what to my wondering eye it appears
That the floating point error "news" is in arrears.
The error is bad. The arrears part is sick,
So I knew in a moment it wasn't Saint Nick!
More rapid than eagles, supporters they more...
Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it`s weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
-- Sauce unknown
Tylenol A man walks in for a sale rep job. He is very qualitfied, but he has a nervous twitch, and his left eye is always winking.
So he speaks with the manager and the manager says, "Well sir, you are very well qualified for the job, but people have to be comfortable around a sales rep. and that eye thing is really freaky."
The man smiles and says,"Oh that, I just take some Tylenol and it goes away." So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, he takes several more condoms out and finally finds some Tylenol. He takes two Tylenol and the eye twitch goes away.
The manager frowns, "Sir, I'm sorry but our company does not like womanizers. I don't like the look of all those condoms."
The man chuckles, "Oh, I'm no womanizer... but do you know how hard it is to buy Tylenol at a drug store with your eye contantly winking?"
A seargent is interviewing three cadets who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first cadet answers, "Thats easy, well catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The seargent says, "Well... uh... thats because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second cadet smiles, and says, "Ha! Hed be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "Whats the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because its a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!" Extremely frustrated at this point, he more...
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.
'You know,' said the doctor,' you really have to learn to trust me.'