Eye Jokes / Recent Jokes
Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here! ” Man says “But this is a Seeing Eye dog! ” Bartender says “Well, OK, then I guess it can stay. ” After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they’re going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says “The bartender won’t like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him you’re blind and it’s a Seeing Eye dog and then it’ll be OK. ” Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, thanks the first man for the advice and goes on in. Bartender says “Hey! You can’t bring that Chihuahua in here! ” Man stares straight ahead and exclaims “What! They sold me a Chihuahua?! ”
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down." Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!"
A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him! "You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate. He returned a half hour later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he said. "I stepped on the same rake."
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were noill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife. . . "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says.. . . . more...
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.
Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"
"I would more...