Eyes Jokes / Recent Jokes

Author unknown - a good joke which is circulating among teachers.
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could imagine.
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher.
Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes? A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

The little camel went to his mother and asked, "Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?"
She looked on him lovingly and replied, "You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and there's sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we don't get lost."
"Oh!" he said. "And why do we have such huge feet?
"Well," she said, "they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes."
"Wow," he said, "great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?"
"You see," his mother informed, "we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?"
"Well, mother," said the young camel, "I was just wondering, if we've got all of this great stuff, what more...

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

- "Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"
- "I can't help it - my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!"
- "Nice Asimov."
- "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."
- "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"
- "I'm the droid you're looking for."
- "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears."
- "Hey, baby. I own Microsoft."
- "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"
- "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me masturbate while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?"

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep more...

There was an older man who`d married a younger woman. All was going well... except in the bedroom. He couldn`t last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn`t matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.
The doctor said "Well, there`s one easy solution. Before you have intercourse with your wife, satisfy yourself first, that way you`ll last longer when you`re with her."
The next day the man gets a call from his wife while he`s at work. In a husky voice she tells him "I`m going to ravish you when you get home tonight. We`re going to have a mammoth sex session."
The man can`t concentrate on work for the rest of the day and finally 5: 30 comes round and he`s the first out of the office, eager to get back to his wife.
While driving he remembers his doctor`s advice. So he pulls over onto a quiet road. But he can`t just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decides he`ll lie under the car and pretend more...