Fabric Jokes

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement more...

An attractive young woman approached the clerk at the department store's fabric counter. "I would like to purchase some of this material for a new outfit. How much does it cost?" she asked.
"Only one kiss per yard," the male clerk replied smugly.
"That's fine," she replied. "I'll take six yards."
With great expectation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the fabric, wrapped it, then held it out teasingly.
The young woman snatched the package from his hand, pointed to the little old man standing next to her, and said with a grin, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."
On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. more...

1) It insulates the closet where it is kept.
2) It is less expensive and more fun than psychiatric care.
3) A sudden increase in the boll weevil population might wipe out the cotton crop for the next 10 years.
4) I'm participating in a contest - the one who dies with the most fabric wins!
5) Because I'm worth it!
6) It's not immoral, illegal or fattening. It calms the nerves, gratifies the soul, and makes me feel good!
7) Buy it now, before your husband retires and goes with you on all your shopping expeditions.
8) It helps keep the economy going. It is our patriotic duty to protect the jobs of textile mill workers, and quilt shop staff with cute babies and grandchildren.
9) It keeps the dust off those previously empty spaces like the dining room table or the living room floor.
10) It keeps without refrigeration, you don't have to cook it to enjoy it, you never have to feed it, burp it, change it, wipe its nose, or walk it!

An attractive young woman approached the clerk at the department store’s fabric counter. “I would like to purchase some of this material for a new outfit. How much does it cost? ” she asked. “Only one kiss per yard, ” the male clerk replied smugly. “That’s fine, ” she replied. “I’ll take six yards. ” With great expectation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the fabric, wrapped it, then held it out teasingly. The young woman snatched the package from his hand, pointed to the little old man standing next to her, and said with a grin, “Grandpa will pay the bill. ”