Face Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here it is nicely illustrated:
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud:' 'Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I more...

(where "pppphhhhhbbbttttt" equals sticking you tongue between your
lips and blowing air. A pseudo Bronx cheer.)
A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
up the the bar and sets on down. He proceeds to order a beer for
himself and for the little Leprechaun.
Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally
the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, trots down the bar
and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks
at the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbttttttt" right to the
big guy's face.
Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddy's shoulder.
The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on
this breach of manners.
After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbbttt"
to the more...

Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.
What I came across was a 100, 000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
Needless to say, this was way too cool. Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be more...

Why did the dishonest man grow a beard?
So that no one could call him a bare-faced liar!

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint.10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake.13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls.14. Do you know what drag more...

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa."Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl."Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa."Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Joe had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?"
"No, she sure didn't," sobbed Joe. "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out."
"Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his father.
"Oh boy, dad, I got it all wrong," Joe groaned. "I said, 'Dear, your face would stop a clock!'"