False Jokes / Recent Jokes
A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?"
The soprano answers, "Three."
"Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle.
"Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano.
Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you`ve sung down on Earth."
"Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is that?" asks the soprano, horrified.
"Oh," says Pete, "that`s a tenor we got some time back. He`s just about to start his third week in the sewing machine."
One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye." The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye." Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you more...
1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
- Paul Lynde: He's out of town
2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie,' What's The Matter With Helen?' Who plays Helen?
- Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver-that's why they asked the question
3. What are' dual-purpose cattle' good for that other cattle aren't?
- Paul Lynde: They give milk. .. and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies
4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
- Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
5. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
- Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him
6. Robert Young recently stated,' I never, never give. ..' something to his fans who ask for it. What?
- Paul Lynde: A hysterectomy
7. James more...
A man goes into a bar, and he looks like a complete bum. He sits down and asks for a bottle of brandy. The bartender says"
I am going to have to see some money first"
. So...out of his pocket, the bum takes a HUGE wad of 20's 50's and 100 dollar bills.
The bartender...stunned of course says "
Jesus crist, how did you get all that?"
The man replies, "
I am a gambling man."
"
But gambling is only 50/50. How can you win so much money!?"
"
I only bet on the things I know I can win on."
Says the gambler. "
take this for example. I bet you $200 I can bite my right eye."
The bartender says "
Yeah right. Go ahead."
So the man takes out his right false eye and bites it.
"
Damn you! You jipped me"
the bartender yelled."
and gave the man $200
"
That's how I win money. ok...got another one. I'll bet you another $200 I can more...
In a hurry to get a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrived and sat down, only to realize he'd forgotten his false teeth. He explained his dilemma to the man sitting next to him.
The man said, "No problem," reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of false teeth. "Try these,"he said.
"Too loose," the speaker said.
The man pulled out another pair.
"Too tight," the speaker told him.
"I have one more pair."
The speaker tried them and they fit perfectly.
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. When the dinner was over, he went to thank the man who'd helped him.
"Where's your office?" he inquired. "I'm looking for a good dentist."
The man replied: "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?" The soprano answers, "Three." "Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle." Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano. Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth." "Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is that?" asks the soprano, horrified." Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine."