Famous Jokes / Recent Jokes

body: A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.
After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him.
Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the Director.
Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?"
The director ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbour, you #@&%*~! My dad perished in that bombing!"
"I am not Japanese, you stupid **~#@#!?*! I am Chinese!"
"Yeah yeah yeah... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, you are all the same", retorted Spielberg.
Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender.
A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat onto the more...

A couple of years ago, the following joke was told at a Mensa gathering:
Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished.
A another gathering some time later, a second part of the joke was noted:
Heisenburg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" To which Heisenburg replied, "I can't be certain."
This weekend, when I attempted to take this joke even further, we came up with a couple more people at the bar:
The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."
Then the bartender noticed that Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, more...

Words From Famous Women. .. "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton "I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." - Roseanne "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner "He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant" - CarolLeifer "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman "I'm not going to vacuum' til Sears makes one you can ride on." - Roseanne "I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?" - Wendy Liebman "I think-therefore I'm single" - Lizz Winstead "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy more...

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouts across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is that you? "Come on over here a minute!" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic...
"Now try doing it with the engine running!"

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.Morris shouts across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is that you? "Come on over here a minute!" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?"Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic..."Now try doing it with the engine running!"

Whats the most famous coffee in Afghanistan? Osama bin Latte

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey... Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.
Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris..."Try doing your work with the engine running."