Faster Jokes / Recent Jokes
A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at
the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a
rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have
it.
He takes it to the owner, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner.
The tourist gives the man $12, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep
the story."
As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a
few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun
following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins
walking faster.
But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown
to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the
Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the
millions, and are squealing and coming toward him faster more...
A tourist wandered into a dimly-lit old San Fransisco antiques shop, down in china town. Perusing the shelves, he discovered an amazingly life-sized and life-like bronze sculpture of a rat. He had to have it and asked the shopkeeper how much it cost.
"$12 for the rat," said the shopkeeper, "and $500 more for the fascinating story behind it."
"Old man, you can keep the story," the tourist replied, "but I'll take the rat."
As he left the store with the bronze rat, two live rats emerged from the sewer and started following him. The tourist looked over his shoulder and began walking faster, but more and more rats started following him. As people pointed and shouted the tourist was in a panic.
Walking faster and faster he soon began to run as the rats started appearing from old abandoned cars, basements and sewers. He ran as fast as he could to the waterfront as millions of squealing rats kept up with him. With his last bastion of more...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical more...
There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.
Well the first guy says, "I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound."
Well the second guy says, "Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound."
Well the third guy says, "Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you."
Well the fourth guys clearly states, "Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world."
The other three guys say really? Why's that?
And the fourth guys says, "Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got more...
Three Scientists were speaking to God. "Hey, God, you're not needed anymore. We can make Man ourselves.
"Oh really," God replied.
"Yes, really," said one of the Scientists. "As a matter of fact, just to prove it, why don't we have a contest to see who can make a man faster, you or us?"
"Ok," answered God, "let's do that."
The Scientist went back to his friends and explained, "We're going to have a contest with God to see who can make a man faster, Him or us."
So, the first Scientist went out and scooped up a large pile of dirt. Just then, a bolt of lightning struck the ground near him, causing him to drop the pile of dirt. Startled, he looked up at God and said, "What?!?"
"Get your own dirt!" God bellowed.
A blonde named Vikki decides she wants to try horseback riding one day. So Vikki mounts the horse, taps its butt, and the horse starts to take off at a reasonable speed. She is having fun, and decides she wants to go a little faster, so she kicks the horses butt, and the horse goes just a little faster. All of a sudden Vikki begins to lose her grip on the reigns of the horse and she begins to fall off, she starts screaming but the horse seemingly unoticing its rider continues... Now Vikki is grabbing on the the horses mane when she beigns to feel tired and her grip starts to fail. The blond lets go of the horses mane, only to get her foot caught in the saddle. So now she is riding along, the horse unnoticing and Vikki's head is beating against the ground over, and over, and over. She almost loses conscience when the Wal-Mart manager runs out and turns off the horse. Sent by Marge
How can you tell that there's a drummer at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster.
How can you tell that there's a vocalist at your front door?
She forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in.
How can you tell that there's an accordionist at your front door?
He doesn't stop knocking even after you answer.
How do you know when a trombone player is at your front door?
The doorbell drags.
How do you know when there's a banjo player at your door?
His hat says "Domino's".