Faster Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the more...

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that
were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I
knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I
carried you & threw the door.
Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs,
and breasts. Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so
tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender white
skin.
From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my
arms, to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft
breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets
of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads
of water. Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so
ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place,
so that I can put more...

This is how you know if you are addicted to the internet:
1) You kiss you girlfriend's home page.
2.) Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
3.) Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.
4.) You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.
5.) You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
6.) You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
7.) You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your kid in the overhead compartment.
8.) Your dreams are in HTML.
9.) You find yourself typing ".com" after every period when using a word processor.
10.) You turn your computer off and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.
11.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
12.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"
13.) more...

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead more...

President
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Executive Vice President
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks to God.
Division Manager
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
Plant Manager
Barely clears a Quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Sales Manager
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
Is run over by a locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury.
Dog more...

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so strikingly unique that he decides he must have it.
He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner. The tourist gives the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, more...

it was dark and all i could feel was his hands on my wrists he lifted them above my head and held them firmly in place next he lossened all my clothing and turned me on my side he opened my mouth wide and forcing any content out one he was satisfied i had a clear clean mouth he moved to the back of me and positioned himself so he was in the right position reaching around me he pushed in slowly at first then faster and faster i could feel it all happen but was in a state of daze when i finally came too i could feel him pushing fast from behind me and i yelled out to him to stop hearing me say this he did and puleed me to a sitting position opening my mouth again he shoved the large thing over my mouth and instructed me to blow in and out as fast as i could suddenly feeling ight headded he oreded me to slow down and then finaaly helped me to the bed lying me down he straped me on and then took me for a long ride... all the way to the hospital. this was my first time having my life saved.