Faster Jokes / Recent Jokes

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,' Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.' The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says,' I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.' Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says,' I want the house.' Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says,' I want the kids too.' The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says,' I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.' The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says,' Is there anything you want?' The husband says,' No, I've got everything I need right here.' She asks,' What's that?' The husband more...

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, ” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it. ”

“You can keep the story, old man, ” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat. ”

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He more...

There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.Well the first guy says, "I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound."Well the second guy says, "Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound."Well the third guy says, "Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you."Well the fourth guys clearly states, "Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world." The other three guys say really? Why's that? And the fourth guys says, "Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn't know what to do... so I shit my more...

You know you are addicted to the Internet when...

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster par connection to the net: 28. 8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your more...

John was driving his pickup down a country lane, when suddenly
a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He's just about to
slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken
has sped on ahead doing about 30 miles per hour.
Amazed, he sped up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster
and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a
small farm. As he turns to follow, John notices that the chicken has THREE
legs.
He pulls to a stop in front of the farm house, and looking around,
notices that ALL the chickens have 3 legs.
He says to the farmer "THREE-legged chickens? Thats astounding!"
The Farmer replies "Yep, I bred 'em that way-I love drumsticks."
John: "Well, tell me, how does a 3 legged chicken taste?"
Farmer: "Dunno, haven't been able to catch one yet."

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD!. .."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

Even the more...