Few Jokes / Recent Jokes

Since Santa knows if we've been bad or good, here are some, what
shall we say?. .. "inventive holiday ways" to call someone a nit
wit, and not upset Santa.
- A couple of shingles short of a full roof.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- All wax and no wick.
- Batteries not included.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- His chimney's clogged.
- He got his brains as a stocking filler.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- A few presents short of a full sleigh.

A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there! The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodile's mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender,"Look, no marks." The bartender is still unsure so the man asks..."Would anyone else like to try?" The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says..."I will but don't smack me on the head!"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That`s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall
for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed
was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the
entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she
recited:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails
and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up with string, These
are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillac's, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses, Polident, Fixodent and
dentures and glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my more...

Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help." Quickly, they respond to the call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning in the White House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool, then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life. After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you desire, as long as it is within my power as President!" The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an appointment?" "You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers this afternoon!" Then the second fellow said, "I've always wanted to go to Annapolis. Can you get me more...

St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? ”
“I was a policeman, ” he responded.
“What kind of policeman? ” St Peter asked.
“I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids. ”
“Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates. ”
A few moments later a second man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? ”
“I was a policeman, ” he responded.
“What kind of policeman? ” St Peter asked.
“I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers. ”
“Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise. ”
A few moments later a third man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life? ”
“I was a policeman, ” he responded.
“What kind of policeman? ” St Peter asked.
“I was a Military more...

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football!"A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -"Touchdown, tie score!" After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -"Touchdown, tie score!"Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!" Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"