Fifty Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn! "

Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.

Q: How many blacks does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three: One to boogie up the ladder, two to keep the beat.

Q: How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.

Q: How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into more...

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life. Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures 25 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured. The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman was more...

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your tea and the other is in your porridge."

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He
notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out, "Fifty dollars!"
He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back, "Five!"
She is disappointed and turns away, and Bill continues his jog.
A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would
have it, the prostitute is still there. But she doesn't want to come down on her
price. "Fifty!" she shouts.
Bill answers, "Five!" No sale.
About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get in shape, so she
demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same
prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells, "See
what you get for five dollars!"

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out: "Fifty dollars!" He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back: "Five!" She is disappointed and turns away and Bill continues his jog.
A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she want not come down on her price. "Fifty!" she shouts and Bill answers her: "Five!" No sale.
About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells: "See what you get for five dollars!"

Once A Loosmotion Pateint Comes To A Doctor.... Pateint: Doctor, Doctor! I Am Becomming Fat And Fat Every Day!. Please Give Me Some Medicine! The Doctor Give Him 2-3 Tablets.... Pateint: Thank You! Very Much Doctor But How Many Times Do I Have To Take It? Doctor: You Don't Have To Take It! Just Throw Them Fifty Times And Pick Up Fifty Times!

Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign
(Lyrics: Joel Polowin. Music: Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover")
The problem is something 'bout your clothes, she said to me
The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, "I'm Security!"
And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you'll get to see
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
He takes a landing party down to find what's going on
A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along
And then before you know it - the 'expendables' are gone
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Fifty ways to kill an ensign
Just step on a rock, Jock
Get thorns from some plants, Lance
A Horta can spray, Ray
Just listen to me
Clouds drink up your blood, Bud
Computers can kill, Bill
You could lose all your salt, Walt
Kirk gets away free...
She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves
Not ev'ryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this more...