Fifty Jokes / Recent Jokes
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There''s nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.
1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: A. the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: A. the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.
3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: A. find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: A. my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.
5. What do you think of your strength? I am: A. more...
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said more...
One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost.
The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help." So she did just that.
After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, "That's the Johnson Model
9400. It'll be $40.00."
The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she let rip a stinky, sqeaky fart. The owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be fifty dollars."
Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!"
"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50."
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me. ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."IT: "Is that it?"ME: "Yep."IT: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and saysIT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them. IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"MG: "No. A what?"IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH more...
A boy took a summer job and came home one day very excited.' Dad, I've got some great news, they've doubled my wages'
'You must have been working very well' replied his father.
'Yes, instead of paying me fifty pounds a week, they're now going to pay me fifty pounds every two weeks'!
One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, "I'd give fifty bucks to spend the night with that woman."
To their surprise the woman turned and said, "I'll take you up on that."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend goodnight, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed.
The following morning the man presented her with twenty-five dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other twenty-five dollars I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
The next day he was surprised when served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the more...