Fifty Jokes / Recent Jokes

A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there's two ears of corn and $25, 000. The guy says, "What's with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And what's the $25, 000?" She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold it."

Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think honey, we’ve been married for 50 years. ”
“Yeah, ” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. ”
“I know, ” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago. ”
“Well, ” Granny snickered, ”What do you say…Should we? ” Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know honey, ” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago. ”
“I wouldn’t be surprised, ” replied Gramps, “One’s in your coffee and the other one’s in your oatmeal. ”

A man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," more...

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at
the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just
think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds
fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?" Where upon
the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as
hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other
is in your oatmeal!"

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut
before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there
was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that
should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty
cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz
and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents."
"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the
slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that more...

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry."

"You would be too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.

"Fifty cents."

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." "Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, more...