Fifty Jokes / Recent Jokes
How many unionized workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They assign the task to a non-unionized temporary.
Just one, but he gets promoted two times before he finally finishes screwing it up.
Just one, but once he gets tenure, he doesn't change anymore.
"Eighteen, you got a problem with that?"
Fifty. Fifty? Yeah, fifty; its in the contract.
Fourteen. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap.
How many personnel managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to take out the old bulb, one to screw in the new bulb, and one to relocate the old bulb.
Julie, the blonde, just got out of the tanning salon. She was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman.
Well, the first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,' Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?'
'Sure, that sounds great!' said Julie.
'Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?' asked the man.
'Is fifty bucks all right?' Julie asked.
'Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage.' The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
'Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife.' Well she must, she was standing right on it!' her husband replied.
About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.' I'm all finished,' she told the surprised homeowner.
The man more...
This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.
1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.
2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.
3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.
4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 japanese import.
5. What do you think of your strength? more...
Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo.
You Can Never Really Go Back There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago this morning." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you now as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other one's in you oatmeal!"
One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, "I'd give fifty bucks to spend the night with that woman."
To their surprise the woman turned and said, "I'll take you up on that."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend goodnight, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed.
The following morning the man presented her with twenty-five dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other twenty-five dollars I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
The next day he was surprised when served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details more...