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The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. more...

On ICL mainframes, if you start the TPMS ( OLTP ) without creating a new recovery file, it tries to use the old file and then crashes with a message "Slot file not virgin"
If I try to boot my IBM PC without connecting keyboard, it will say "keyboard error, press F1 to continue".
Now how the hell you press F1 when there is no keyboard?

I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently. When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.

I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the line, of course. And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the caressing voice always claims.

I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already more...

Imagine if, instead of incomprehensible unhelpful geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in haiku:


A file that big?
It might be very useful
But now it is gone.

*****

The Web site you seek
cannot be located
but endless others exist.

*****

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

*****

Aborted effort.
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.

*****

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

*****

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
''My novel'' not found.

*****

The Tao that is seen
is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

*****

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your more...

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?" 10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off." 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST. SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE. SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS. SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D. C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error more...

The following are just some of the new Windows 2000 error messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. Windows message:' Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)'
6. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
7. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
8. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
9. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
10. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted.

While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec. bat file. He said it said "File not found". I told him to do a dir. I asked him if he saw autoexec. bat listed. He said, "Well it says autoexec, then theres some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat."I said type this in "type autoexec. bat". Again he got "File not found". I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed. He said, "I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat.