Final Jokes / Recent Jokes

There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Ukranian and the are in their final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test." We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty. You must grab that gun and go into your wifes cell and kill her." The englishman grabbed the gun. "Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good." He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence. He came out crying, "We've been maried too long. I just cant do it." So he was booted out. The frenchman grabbed the gun. "If I must, I must." He went into his wifes cell for about a minute and there was silence. He came walking out crying, "I love her too much. I just can't do it." So he was booted out. So the ukranian grabbed the gun and stormed into his wifes cell. "That more...

There were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go and party with some friends.
They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn`t make it back until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had a flat tire on the way back, didn`t have a spare, and couldn`t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a more...

Afterbirth--when the hard part begins.

Cravings--an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Dilation--one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.

Elastiphobia--fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."

First Trimester--the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"

Maternity clothes--what a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.

Miracle--1 the birth of a baby. 2 The fact that you lived to tell about it.

Obstetrician--the doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.

Pregnant Pause--the amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.

Prenatal--when your life was still your own.

Pushing--the final effort to get a ten-pound baby more...

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his genitalia and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up and set off all the other bells.

Santa was one of the four persons who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. The Company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant was called in.
The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is more...

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

A 98 year old man lay on his death bed. According to all of the doctors, he would not live to see another sunrise. All of a sudden, he became aware of the ever increasing scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen 2 floors below. He thought, "Before I leave this world, I MUST have just ONE of my wife's wonderful chocolate chip cookies."
After all, it was such a batch of cookies made by his wife that first won his heart more than 80 years prior when they were first dating. What better way to depart this life than with the warm and loving taste of his wife's cookies still lingering on his palate?
The man bravely and arduously rolled himself in his bed until he was finally able to fall off of the bed onto the floor. He then pulled himself by his elbows, out of the room, into the hallway.
He continued to pull himself to the stairwell where he backed himself down the 2 flights of stairs, painfully sliding down one step at a time. The man more...