"Pregnancy Dictionary" joke

Afterbirth--when the hard part begins.

Cravings--an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Dilation--one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.

Elastiphobia--fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."

First Trimester--the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"

Maternity clothes--what a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.

Miracle--1 the birth of a baby. 2 The fact that you lived to tell about it.

Obstetrician--the doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.

Pregnant Pause--the amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.

Prenatal--when your life was still your own.

Pushing--the final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.

Second Trimester--the time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"

Third Trimester--the final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"