Finish Jokes / Recent Jokes
Name:_________
1. Finish this pattern: a, _, c, d, e, f (hint, B)
2. If you are standing, what are you doing? (hint, standing)
3. Finish the sentence: I am a blond______
4. Explain Einstein's theory, or spell cat
5. Are you writing with a pen/pencil or a tissue? (hint pen/pencil)
6. Spell the word chicken
THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST (Long but VERY Funny!) Monday ------ 8: 05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too? 8: 12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer... 8: 14 am User from 8: 05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. 11: 00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she more...
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, "What happened?"
The guy replies, "I just found out my younger brother is gay." He finish's his shots and leaves.
The next day he comes back and orders five shots and the bartender asks, " What happened this time?"
The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay and I always looked up to him." The man finish's his shots and leaves.
The next day he comes back and orders twelve shots. The bartender says, "Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man replies, " Yea, my mom."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The more...
When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough
When I don`t do it, I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it, he is busy,
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,
When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,
When I make a mistake, I` am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he`s only human.
When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he`s on business.
When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave, it`s because he`s overworked
When I do good, my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong, he never forgets
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
That hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
That uniform makes your ass look really big.
Excuse me. Is stick up hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad Cop! No Donut!
Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow
Did you happen to attend the Barney Fife Police Academy?
Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend 's more...
The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a Police Officer
- I can`t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
- That uniform makes your butt look really big.
- Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- Didn`t I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
- I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
- And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
- Hey, you must`ve been doin` about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good
job!
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
Police Officer.
- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
- Bad Cop! No Donut!
- Gee, that gut sure doesn`t inspire confidence.
- Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend`s
night stand...
- When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the
camcorder.
- Is it true that people become cops because they are too more...