Litter Jokes

Collection Litter by Phil D Basket

How to Change Your Oil
Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is more...

A three year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. When they returned home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

(This allegedly really happened in Canada. I heard it from a
friend. After posting it in rec.backcountry I got some requests to
post it here.)
Some guy on drugs jumped over a cliff but did not quite succeed in
killing himself. The rescue team tied his unconscious body into a
Stokes litter and proceeded to evacuate by means of a "fixed line
flyaway." This means that the litter is suspended a couple of
hundred feet below a helicopter which then flies to a level place
where they can set him down (carefully) and either load him in the
aircraft or otherwise take further care of him. The patient is
accompanied by one attendant tied into the litter.
This patient began to regain consciousness during the flight.
Remember he is flying across the sky and being marginally conscious
(as well as probably still feeling the effects of whatever drug he
took) probably doesn't notice either the helicopter or the more...

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...