Finish Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?" "I'm from Ireland." "Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin." "Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Dublin are you from?" "The East Side." "The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more."Where on the East Side are you from?" "McDonagh Street." "Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that." As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?" "Oh, it's more...

The Ten Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard on the opposite sexes genetalia
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one
3. Thou shall kiss at every given opportunity
4. If thou kissed someone, and was slapped, thou shalt not kiss her again.
5. Thou shall never bite when in the act of french kissing
6. Thou shall not pay for sexual intercourse
7. Thou shall not date members of state or Musicians
8. Thou shall not have sexual intercourse in public convieniences.
9. thou should never turn down free sexual intercourse
10. Procreate at will
Religions of the world
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Buddhism: Shit happens, yet shit does not happen
Islam: Shit happens, is Allah wills
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Protestantism: Let shit happen to other people
Catholicism: If shit more...

10. You can usually find someone to do it with. 9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off. 8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. 7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it. 6. A little coffee and you can do it all night. 5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser." 4. You can do it, eat and watch T. V. all at the same time. 3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle. 2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it. 1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!"If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you."If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man."Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!"Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!"Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore."Lyle, Erik - either behave, or go to your suites!"If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!"Don't make me put you back in the womb!"As long as you live under this roof, you're *going* to wear that dress, young man!"You just wait til your father gets paroled!"Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin."Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel! and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families..."All right, Little more...

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. more...

There were these three women. One blonde, one red, and one brunet. They were all about to be shot. One by one. When the brunet came up, the man asked "Do you have any last words before you die?"
The brunet said "No."
Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."
then before the man could finish the bunet yelled, "Earthquake!!" Then everyone ran and so escaped. Then when the red head came up, the man said, "Do you have any last words before you die?"
The red head said, "No."
Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."
then before the man could finish the red head yelled, "Tornando!!" Then everyone ran and the red head escaped. Then when the blonde came up, the man said, "Do you have any last words before you die?"
The blonde said, "No."
Then the man said, "Ok. Ready, aime..."
then before the man could finish the blonde yelled, "FIRE!!"

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Change $ 20. 00
Coffee 1. 00
Total $ 21. 00

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Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50. 00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it
back to be recycled, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and more...