Fire Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three employees of NOSC (an engineer, a physicist and a mathematician) are staying in a hotel while attending a technical seminar.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were created. She used the expression "carrying a child" instead of "pregnant," but the girl seemed satisfied.
Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her parents: "There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and when he came out, he was pregnant."

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane."It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Lets go! Lets go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air."Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes.""Why?" asked the pilot."Because Im going to take pictures! Im a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean youre not the instructor?"

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How' bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peaceand joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really, really want a fire truck this year.
Love,
Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd more...

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and...... Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
8. LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old....
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on more...

Three men were arrested for stealing cars.
Their sentance was to be shot.
The first man was about to be shot, so he pointed behind the people who were going to shoot him and yelled "Flash flood!"
The people who were about to shoot him looked towards the direction he was pointing and he ran away, escaping his punishment.
It was the next man's turn. Like the first man, he pointed behind the people who were about to shoot him, but he yelled "Tornado!"
The people who were about to shoot him looked towards the direction he was pointing and he ran away, escaping his punishment.
The last man was about to be shot. Like the first to men, he pointed behind the people who were about to shoot him, but he yelled "Fire!" and everyone shot him.