First Jokes / Recent Jokes
Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
1st baby: more...
A big time lawyer from New York went duck huting in Kansas. He shot a duck while it was in the air. It happen to land in a feild next to were he was hunting. Across a fence.
A farmer was in the feild with his tractor and saw it land on his side. The lawyer climb the fence to go get the duck.
As he reach for it. The farmer said. Put that down. Thats my duck. The lawyer said no it's not. I shot it. it's mine. The farmer said it landed on my feild it's mine.
The lawyer told the farmer that he was the best lawyer in N.Y. and he would sue him for every thing he has.
The farmer said in Kansas we don't sue people to settle dispute. We do by the 1,2, 3 kick.
The lawyer said. The 1, 2, 3 kick. Whats that.
The farmer said we kick each other until one give up. And the one who give up first can have the duck.
The lawyer was a body builder also. As he size up the farmer as he got off his tractor. He agreed to the 1, 2, 3 kick.
The farmer said. I get to go first. more...
A greenhorn visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The greenhorn asked how he could become a sourdough.
The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman.
"No problem," said the cheechako, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.
The cheechako chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.
Finally, the cheechako staggers out of the cave. "Okay," he said to the guide. "Where's that Indian woman I'm supposed to wrassle!"
A very popular local church was having a membership drive and three couples were being interviewed by the pastor. The pastor explained to them that in order to be accepted as members of the church, they would have to show their commitment to God by abstaining from sex for three weeks. He directed them to return in three weeks to meet with him, let him know whether or not they had honored this commitment, and he would make a decision on accepting them as members.
Three weeks later, the pastor was talking with the three couples and asked the first couple, an elderly couple, how they did. The husband explained that they had abstained from sex for the three weeks, and the pastor welcomed them as new members of the congregation.
The second couple, a middle-aged couple, explained that they had their urges but were able to abstain from sex for the three weeks. Again, the pastor welcomed the couple as new members of the congregation.
Finally, the third couple, a newlywed couple, more...
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.
They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.
They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of more...
An old man walks into a church, and goes for a confession.
The priest pulls back the window, and the old man says:"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"
The priest says: "Tell me, my son...."
The old man explains: "I am 80 years old, and I have recently started a relationship with a woman of 25. She is absolutely gorgeous, and we have been having unbelievable sex 3 or 4 times a day, every day...I can almost not catch my breath...it's a mind-blowing experience"
The priest then asks: "How long has this relationship been going on?"
The old man replies: "About 2 months..."
The priest then asks: "When was the first time that you confessed this relationship?"
The old man replies:"Today"
The priest asks:"Why is this the first time?"
The old man explains:"Actually this is my first ever confession"...
The priests (naturally) asks: "Why?"
The old man more...