First Jokes / Recent Jokes

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.' So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.' He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the more...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.



On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.



The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first more...

: Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Keep honking while I reload.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

So... who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Support cannibalism -- EAT ME!

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

If you more...

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is permitted to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So, the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case ye want anything else made of it."
So, the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, more...

Diary of a New Snow ShovelerDecenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll more...

Three guys walk into a bar the bartender says I will give you three hundred dollars if you can walk in then and make this horse laugh and then cry.
The first person slammed his beer do and said I am going to do it.
Five minutes later he walks out and said that he couldn't do it.
So the second person slams his beer down and slides it then says watch I will do it.
Five minutes later he walks out and says I can't do it.
The third man sets his beer down and says watch I'll do it just watch.
Five minutes later you hear the horse laugh and then cry.
The man walks out and the bartender asks how did you do it.
The man replies first I told the horse I had a bigger dick so that made him laugh then I proved it so he cried.

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a
man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no
thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of
thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented.
It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and
thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
U.S.Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can
hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who
walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now
get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness:
38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of
eleven: $6,400
The more...